Six Year Anniversary

This weekend marks six years since my mother died.  This year, I wasn’t the emotional basket case that I normally turn into when the anniversary comes around.  I thought I was handling it well until last night when I realized that maybe I didn’t physically cry but I am definitely going through something.  

Every weekend, I have been busy making Mary Kay deliveries and attempting to have a life outside my house but this weekend, I made every excuse for why I couldn’t or shouldn’t go anywhere.  I was supposed to go pick up some merchandise from my Mary Kay Director to drop off one of my largest orders yet but instead I stayed home and scrubbed the kitchen floor.  

I was glad that I didn’t have my hair appointment.  Even though my hair is in desperate need of attention.  I already knew I wasn’t going.  I blew off my appointment for my car and pawned the trip to the vet for the dog off to my husband.  

I did, manage to still find some time for retail therapy even if it was sub-conscience at the time.  I wasn’t going to Walmart for anything but cleaning supplies, yet $200.00 later I had this euphoric feeling that only lasted as long as it took me to unload the bags from the store.

Not to ramble for too long.  I just wanted to acknowledge that it’s been six years and I have come to accept that maybe I do miss my mom.  I know that I always will.  My grief is not as bad as it was before but I am making progress.  I am going to allow myself to have this weekend but I have to make sure that I don’t sink back into that depressive state that I have been living in for the last 5 years.  I have made great strides to deal with my depression and I don’t want to slip back under.  

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