This weekend marks six years since my mother died. This year, I wasn’t the emotional basket case that I normally turn into when the anniversary comes around. I thought I was handling it well until last night when I realized that maybe I didn’t physically cry but I am definitely going through something.
Every weekend, I have been busy making Mary Kay deliveries and attempting to have a life outside my house but this weekend, I made every excuse for why I couldn’t or shouldn’t go anywhere. I was supposed to go pick up some merchandise from my Mary Kay Director to drop off one of my largest orders yet but instead I stayed home and scrubbed the kitchen floor.
I was glad that I didn’t have my hair appointment. Even though my hair is in desperate need of attention. I already knew I wasn’t going. I blew off my appointment for my car and pawned the trip to the vet for the dog off to my husband.
I did, manage to still find some time for retail therapy even if it was sub-conscience at the time. I wasn’t going to Walmart for anything but cleaning supplies, yet $200.00 later I had this euphoric feeling that only lasted as long as it took me to unload the bags from the store.
Not to ramble for too long. I just wanted to acknowledge that it’s been six years and I have come to accept that maybe I do miss my mom. I know that I always will. My grief is not as bad as it was before but I am making progress. I am going to allow myself to have this weekend but I have to make sure that I don’t sink back into that depressive state that I have been living in for the last 5 years. I have made great strides to deal with my depression and I don’t want to slip back under.