Torn

Lately I've had this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. You know one of those feelings that you just can't shake deep down.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. As a reminder, I normally leave current events out of my stories because I like positive vibes but here goes.

Three weeks ago, I was slightly speeding on my way to work when a cop going in the other direction immediately makes a u-turn and comes speeding up behind me.

The feeling that immediately washed over me was sheer terror. My hands and legs started shaking, my heart was about to come out of my chest, and my vision became blurred because my heart was beating so fast.

I just griped the steering wheel wondering if today was the day that I was going to die. Never in a million years would I imagine feeling the way that I did.

Luckily for me, after the cop turned on his lights and I proceeded to pull over, he stepped on the gas and raced past me.

I was so rattled by the notion that I was getting ready to get pulled over I had to stay where I was and get myself together.

My ears were ringing, my vision was all over the place and I honest to God thought I was having a heart attack.

I was just so glad that I was by myself because I never ever want my kids to see that kind of fear on me ever. Once I got myself together to drive the rest of the way to work I just couldn't stop thinking about one major thought.

As kids we heard stories about driving while black and of course every single day there's another story of a man or woman being shot by a cop. Today it seems like an everyday occasion and it's not limited to black men any more either. It's not even limited to people of color.

I respect the shield, the law, the Constitution, and even the office of the President of the United States but I don't like having this feeling.

I pay my taxes, I don't do drugs, I'm not a criminal, I've served in the U.S. Navy for the last twenty years, and I've never been to jail. Why should I feel terrified to receive a speeding ticket?

Then I ask myself, if a cop shot an active duty service member would it matter? Would I matter? Or would I be just another statistic? What if a cop shot a some body, would policy change? Would there be more convictions for killers?

I lie awake at night replaying that scene over and over again. I look for places that I can put my license and registration so that I don't have to reach over to the glove box.

I think about all of the families of the victims. I think about why some cops feel like the rules don't apply anymore? I think about the lag in the Judicial system where guilty officers keep going free. I think about my children, especially my adult child and I worry about her safety.

I'm not broken just slightly torn…

I'm not going any deeper than what I wrote because I'm not trying to get into banter with anyone. I just wanted to express my thoughts.

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