The place in my heart where disappointment and expectations go to die…

Where it all goes black

Like night

Without meaning

Or desire

Just black

Numb to feeling

Numb to love


Just black

An absract

No light

No white

Just black

Countdown to the Ship Part Two

In three days, I’m reporting to my new ship and I have to tell you my nerves are on edge. Every night this week, I’ve made that late night trek to the snack closet trying to eat away the anxiety that I’m feeling.

I thought I would have a few weeks before I got underway but that’s not the case. I keep thinking about my son over and over again because I know this is going to be his very first look at what mommy does. For him, it’s his indoctrination to being a part of a Navy family. I wonder how he will feel. Will he be sad? Will he misbehave? Will he cry a lot? Or will he just adjust like everyone tells me he will?

Better yet, how will I do? Will I hold it all together? Will my hard shell still fit or will it not fit because I have been penetrated by these little people for too long?

I should be used to this by now, I mean I’ve been at this now for 17 years. The last 4 1/2 years have ruined me. Somewhere in between these years I’ve discovered motherhood. I’ve learned that I do have feelings. The mask came off probably around the first year of being on shore duty.

I’m so overcome with emotions. More to come.