Chocolate Sex and the Big Tease…Valentine’s Day Edition

No words…just you and me…and a fucking F-O-R-K!!!

Was it as good for you…As it was for me?

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And the Award for the Best Vegan Sausage goes too…

Yes, I’m fresh. Yes, I still have a lot to learn, and yes I still have a lot of food to try.

BUT!

So far…this is the best vegan sausage that I have ever tasted.

After my curry experiment went down the shitter real quick. I still needed to eat and the good thing is I broke down and went to Whole Foods earlier today and I found the sausage that I was looking for.

Are you fucking ready for this? I sure the fuck wasn’t. I bought some Field Roast Mexican Chipotle flavored sausage. I cut up the sausage, chopped up some sweet potatoes, some onion, and sautéed it all together. I added garlic, sea salt and nutritional yeast into the mix.

The smell was shameful. Shamefully fucking good that is. Shit it smelled good. But since I’m not fucking regular, I got out the vegetable stock and tore off a bunch of kale and added it to the game as well. What can I say? I’m a fucking genius.

The sausage has nice heat to it. Kind of spicy but also a little grainy. BUT! All workable. Not overwhelming to the point that it distracted me from shoveling the food in my pie hole faster than I could get it on a damn fork.

I added my concoction to some jasmine rice and I’m still shaking my head wanting more.

If you are new to the game, like me, just let me tell you. I will definitely fuck with these sausages again.

Curry Jackfruit (This is the One That Had to Get Away)

I’m allergic to curry. Mainly curry that is made with like Jamaican seasoning. I thought that looking at the package it was a red curry and I would be able to fuck it up.

I opened the pouch and started to smell the food and all it’s smelly goodness. I put it in the pan to warm and the smelled wafted through my house smelling fucking awesome.

I didn’t notice it immediately because my face is partially paralyzed right now from having my nerve damaged in surgery last week. My lips were already tingling.

I get the jackfruit all warmed up and my greedy ass can’t wait until its on a plate to have a quick bite. I mean really. I see all of these food videos with jackfruit in it and it all looks so yummy so I don’t want wait another minute.

In it goes and almost immediately, I regret my decision. Rash, fat tongue, etc. wrong kind of curry. Sad face. Remember that smell that I mentioned earlier, well needless to say I had to Febreeze the room so I could stop itching.

On the other hand, the jackfruit was fucking delicious. Last month, I didn’t even know what the fuck a jackfruit was and now I’m having one of two explosions in my mouth. The texture reminded me of a piece of beef. If someone hadn’t told me that it was jackfruit I would have thought by first glance that it was meat. Shit! I want another bite.

The flavors were there but I can’t put to words what it tastes like because my allergic reaction put a fucking halt on my tastebuds. I will just say that for a few minute seconds, the shit tasted great.

In the very near future I’m going to make the jackfruit pulled pork and then curry free I will be able to make a full observation.

My husband and kids enjoyed it over a bed of jasmine rice. Unfortunately, I was unable to take a picture.

Just know the vegan life is definitely for me so we will have more food to explore and Jackfruit Company has more flavors for me to try.

Gardein Classic Meatless Meatballs

I’m such a fucked up individual. No wait!

Let me explain.

They (as in my family) had meatball subs for dinner the other day. Mind you, I couldn’t eat them because of my recent surgery and I try not to force my beliefs off on them so I felt bad for deceiving them with meatless meatballs.

I tried to write this shit with a straight face but I can’t. Who the fuck am I kidding? I fucking did it. I switched the meatballs, didn’t tell them and they fucking ate the hell out of them.

I honestly love the Gardein Brand of meatless food. I can get my sometimes picky and critical food critics in my house to eat them without skipping a beat is a fucking miracle.

Anyway…I just wanted to share that I got my kids to eat their fucking veggies.

I’m Trying to Like You…Veggie Burger But I Can’t

I feel like we are moving too fast.

Maybe we should take it slow?

Was is something I did?

Was it something I said?

Can we try to be friends?

FUCK NO!

I’ve tried to season you. I’ve tried a different brand. I’ve tried to make us spicy.

I tried to dress you up. I’ve tried to make it work but…I simply can’t.

“It’s not you…it’s me!”

Dear Prudence 13 Feb 15

Dear Prudence,

When was the last time someone told you that they were proud of you?  Can’t remember?  I just want you to know that I am proud of you.  You’ve managed to get through three weeks of being out to sea and you held up pretty good.  I know you had a few rough patches when you were ready to say fuck it and hang up your sea bag for good but you did an awesome job.  The first week you were a bag of nerves and upset about everything but you picked your head up and kept pushing forward.  You have been knocking out your qualifications and starting to remember of the different correspondence packages that have come into your office.  I see that some things haven’t changed for you in regards to blocking thoughts of your family out of the way in order to keep a clear mind and honestly, I can’t tell you not to do it because I understand that’s your way of coping with things.  I’m just glad that you haven’t blocked them out completely and as an improvement you truly have thought about them everyday and still managed to function.  See that’s why I am so proud of you because you always know what to do when you’re faced with adversity you rise to the occasion.  You may be thinking it was only a short while and there are plenty of time away yet to come but your taking it one step at a time and I admire that.

I have a bone to pick with you.  What is going on with your prayer life?  God has been too good to you for you to backslide now.  Your potty mouth and negativity is becoming more of a habit again then an occasional slip of the tongue.  I know and you know that God has taken care of you at some of the lowest points of your life and your not allowed to put Him in a closet like you’ve put everything and everyone else.  You better get it together girl.  I know that you are conflicted with how you feel and you may even feel like your being punished but you have to know that your steps were ordered even before you were born.  Your situation is only temporary and it won’t last forever.

Keep smiling Prudence.  I love you.