When I first joined the Navy and moved to Virginia, I would drive home to Cincinnati on the weekends to see my oldest daughter and my mother. One weekend my mother gave me a stuffed lady bug. I’m not sure what the significance of the lady bug was. I just took the lady bug because she wanted me to have it and when I left to go back to Virginia, I threw the lady bug in the back of my car and brought it home. I didn’t give the lady bug much thought. I just took care of it because my mother gave it to me.
On one of the very rare occasions that my mother came to Virginia, she saw the lady bug in my room and was shocked that I still had it. I did. I wasn’t sure why I was holding on to it but I knew I couldn’t throw it away.
This little lady bug has seen a lot of action, traveled various places, and been on a deployment or two. The lady bug lived with me in Korea and when I was a little sad, I slept with it. When I came back from Korea my mother had a heart attack, as I laid on the floor crying trying to figure out what to do, my trusty lady bug was with me. Helping me sort through my thoughts and providing comfort.
Before I was to leave on Friday, my son was very wound up and he didn’t want to go to sleep because he knew when he woke up in the morning that I would be gone. After several hours of him fighting sleep, I asked him, if he wanted to borrow my lady bug while I was gone. He immediately wanted the lady bug. He hugged it and as he was hugging the lady bug I told him to take really good care of the lady bug because my mommy had given it to me. He said, “I know”, “I will”, and then he squeezed it tighter. He laid down with the lady bug and he seemed a lot calmer and was okay. He said he would take the lady bug for show and tell. Then he kept rubbing the lady bug and saying, I love you mommy. On Friday, I got an email with a picture of my son and his lady bug sleep.
Somehow, the lady bug was making him brave. He wasn’t so upset and it’s like the lady bug is whispering to him that he’s okay. Your not alone! I’m with you! After I saw the picture, I decided it was finally time to find out if there was a meaning to my mother giving me the lady bug. I went to google and typed “lady bug” and I was kind of shocked what I learned.
Lady bugs are linked to luck, protection, the fulfillment of dreams, and joy.
In my mind the lady bug is magical and I know that my little lady bug is being a good friend to my son just like it was for me and that’s all that matters.
You did good today! I was especially proud of you when you tried hard not to cry when your baby boy was upset because he thought you had already left and got underway. No one knows how you cried at the daycare yesterday when the teacher asked when you were leaving. No one knows that you had to fight tears in the car, at your desk, or any place that you were alone. No one knows your secrets but me.
I’m glad that when your held back tears became anger because you honestly and truly didn’t want to hear another person tell you, that you joined the Navy and why are you surprised to be going to sea. I’m just glad that you held your ground and didn’t let your anger overcome you. The last thing you need at this point is to start pissing people off with that smart ass mouth of yours.
Trust me, I understand that you want to fall to pieces and that your heart is tearing up inside with the thought of being away. Put your shell on, no one is going to judge you and if they do, FUCK them. No one walks in your shoes but you. No one can tell you how to feel, what to feel, or even how you respond to how you feel.
I know, I know…they say kids are very resilient. That’s cool when it pertains to other people’s children. You know that you can’t shield your children from pain in life and it’s hard when you, yourself are the one inflicting pain on them.
I do have a bit of advice for you…remember that the kids are going through something right now also. They have to say goodbye too. They also have to endure a separation, not just you. No matter how hard it is for you, don’t forget to give them their moment to express themselves. It’s easier to push them away, however, in the next few weeks you are going to have to do better at giving them comfort. Your a badass, I know it but no more leaving them out in the cold emotionally.
You can’t stop now…17 years is a long time. Your almost at the finish line. Don’t be sad, you won’t be gone for long. You can get through this, you once loved the life of a Sailor, enjoy it while you can because once 20 gets here you will look back and wonder where the time went so fast.
As always, I love you…
Sailor, Wife, Mom
Have you ever seen the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra sends out her entire family for the day so she can have a scheduled cry? When I first saw the episode, I thought it was silly to schedule a cry. I just didn’t understand it, although, I guess I could relate a little bit.
I mean we all cry right? Most of the time we have a reason for the tears. There’s the laughter that brings out the tears, sappy love stories with the very happy ending, a loved one dies, or is injured, or even the lover who has had their heart broken.
Today, I didn’t actually schedule a cry it just kind of happened. As I sat on the couch watching a re-run of Roseanne and just like that…hot salty tears just came pouring out of my eyes. I wasn’t sure where they came from. It could have possibly been a culmination of sorts. My tears flowed out fast like a stream or river but they didn’t just stop there…the big cry occurred. The big ugly and loud cry that I never ever want anybody to see cry occurred. This crying was hard and uncontrollable and if someone would have walked in they would have thought someone died or that something was horribly wrong.
Then as suddenly as it started…it stopped.
As I sat upright and wiped off my snotty nose, wiped my face, and dried out my very dry eyes there was this feeling of euphoria. I felt so refreshed and renewed. The feeling was very overwhelming but yet so good. I know that Debra was a fake character and the story line wasn’t real but maybe I will start scheduling a big cry session quarterly. I feel like I sound crazy but the cry felt good. The only downside to crying…my burning red puffy eyes. I, however, would definitely recommend a scheduled cry to my friends and family.
Have you ever just cried for the hell of it? Tell me your thoughts…
He is not my dream guy.
You know the type…tall, dark, and handsome,
With rock hard abs and a smooth silky speech.
You know the type.
Apparently, I don’t even know my type.
He’s my height, a little round, a loud talker, with a big booty.
He probably can win a burger eating contest.
He is a guy’s guy.
He’s not a prima Donna, cause that’s normally what I like.
But he smells good and always wears that cologne I like.
His snoring chops down the entire forest nightly.
He gets on my nerves.
We never agree on anything.
Plus, he’s a Cowboys fan.
Yet he’s my everything.
They say opposites attract and I love him so…
That’s why he’s my everything…